


Invader B&B

by Karkalicious_Definition



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Bed and Breakfast, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-22
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:00:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22852903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karkalicious_Definition/pseuds/Karkalicious_Definition
Summary: Zim loses control of his life. Minimal shipping. Kind of a crack fic.
Relationships: Dib and Skoodge are friends, Tak/Tenn (minimal), ZADF - Relationship, ZADR (if you want to read it that way I guess)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 49





	1. Skoodge

It was a day. As days go, it was fairly chill - chill being the energy it gave off, and not the weather. The weather was actually pretty nice - 65 degrees and sunny. Decent day for a picnic.

Zim didn't care for picnics or temperate weather conditions. He was deep within his lair, plotting humanity's destruction.

"Oh! Oh, yes!" he exclaimed, and jotted something else down with his pencil. "Then the ferrets will come in and...YES! YES! OH, IT'S BRILLIANT!" He finished his blueprints with a flourish and held them aloft like Simba in the beginning of the Lion King. "THIS WILL BE THE DOWNFALL OF THIS RIDICULOUS, SMELLY MUD BALL! IT'S PERFECT! ABSOLUTELY PERFECT! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Gir, meanwhile, was doodling idly on the floor. Like, directly on the actual floor. He had paper, but he wasn't using it.

"GIR!" Zim shouted. "LAUGH WITH ME!"

Gir instantly ate his crayons and jumped to his feet.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" he squealed.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Zim continued.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!"

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-Computer! Laugh with us!"

The computer sighed. "Fine. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..."

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

The doorbell rang. Zim screamed. Gir screamed, though it seemed more like an imitation of Zim than an actual expression of alarm. He promptly sat down and began doodling again.

"Ugh. That will be the DIB," said Zim. "He's early. My brilliant plan isn't ready yet. ...But...wait, wait! He doesn't know that, does he? Oh, yes. I will play games of the MIND with him! I will torment him PSYCHOLOGICALLY! Oh, he will beg me for mercy! HA! I'm a genius."

"It's not Dib," said the computer.

"Eh?" Zim asked.

"It's not Dib," the computer repeated.

"OF COURSE IT'S NOT DIB!" Zim shouted. "I heard you the first time! And Zim knows all! I assumed it wouldn't be that ridiculous...pig-smell? But, just out of curiosity, who is it?"

"I don't know," said the computer. "They're not in my database."

"Well, what am I supposed to do about that?"

"Maybe check the security cameras?"

"I know!" Zim exclaimed. "I will check the security cameras!" He ran over to the console and squinted at the screen. "It's...Skoodge?"

Zim's front door opened a few minutes later.

Skoodge stopped examining the garden gnomes and straightened to attention. "Hi, Zim," he said.

"SKOODGE!" Zim shouted, jabbing a finger at the portly little Irken.

"Yeah...that's me," said Skoodge.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" Zim demanded. "ARE YOU TRYING TO USURP ZIM'S MISSION?"

"What? Oh. No. No, no. Your mission is...too important and...secret and...real. I could never, uh...handle it."

Zim seemed intensely satisfied at this. "Yes, it is indeed all those things! It is good to see that you know your place."

"Oh yeah. For sure," said Skoodge, shuffling his feet.

Zim was placated. He relaxed, his antennae slackening. "So, whaddya doing here?" he asked, leaning casually against the door jam. "Did you just want to hang out? Because I just came up with a brand new plan to take over this planet and not to pat myself on the back or anything, but it is quite possibly the most genius thing that has ever been created in the history of the Irken Empire. You're not allowed to STEAL it," he said, eyeing Skoodge over, "but if you wanted to...I don't know...MARVEL at its BRILLIANCE? I could spare a few minutes. Bump some things off my schedule. You're welcome, by the way."

"Oh...yeah," said Skoodge. "That's very, uh. Generous of you. Thanks."

Zim looked pleased.

"But...I'm not actually here for, um, either of those things. I, uh...I actually need your...help."

Zim frowned and tilted his head. "Oh?"

THE NEXT DAY

Zim was planning something. Something big. Something fiendish. Something that probably wouldn't work even if Dib left it alone, but the opportunity to expose Zim for what he was was something that he never passed up.

Also, it wasn't like he had anything else to do that weekend. Whatever.

He did his casual parkour routine through the garden gnomes with the practiced ease of someone who had done it thousands of times. It still gave him a bit of an adrenaline rush every time, though. Especially when he did it without tripping. He didn't miss a single step today, and when he landed in a crouch on Zim's front doorstep he felt pretty awesome.

"Booyeah," he said under his breath. He leapt to his feet and kicked open the door. "ZIM!" he bellowed.

The TV was on. That was fairly standard. He had burst in on Zim and his weird little robot watching TV dozens of times. What wasn't standard was the size and shape of the alien watching TV on the couch.

"Hi," said the strange Irken, and continued eating his fun dip.

"What the - you're not Zim!" Dib exclaimed.

The alien turned to him, blinked once, then turned back to the TV. "Last I checked," he said. "Should I take him a message?"

Dib was still processing this development when loud clattering and the swish of an elevator alerted him to an approaching presence. As he watched, Zim burst out of the garbage can and slid into the room, a grin on his face. "DIB!" he shouted. "I've been EXPECTING you!"

"There you are!" Dib exclaimed. "Who the hell is this?"

Zim looked confused for a moment. He glanced at the couch. The unfamiliar Irken lifted a clawed hand in a passive wave.

"Ah," said Zim. "PAY HIM NO HEED! This battle is between you and me alone!"

"'You and I,' Zim," Dib corrected as they began to circle each other. "HA! Five years and you STILL don't know decent English!"

"No, it's you and ME!" Zim shouted. "Because 'BETWEEN,' being a PREPOSITION, makes me the OBJECT and not the SUBJECT of the sentence, thus requiring the pronoun 'ME' instead of 'I!' You wouldn't say 'WITH I,' WOULD YOU, DIB?"

"FUCK YOU!" Dib shouted, his go-to retort when Zim was right. The Irken on the couch arched his eyebrows, but said nothing. "I know you're planning something, and I'm going to stop you!"

"Oh really? You'll STOP me?"

"You'd better BELIEVE it, space scum!"

"HA! No one can stop ZIM! And this plan...this is the plan to END ALL PLANS! THIS plan is the plan that will WIN ME THE EARTH!"

"Oh, please. You say that every time!"

"Well THIS time, it will be DIFFERENT! Because THIS time, my plan is FOOLPROOF! And you will NEVER be able to stop the overwhelming, indomitable force that is ZIM! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-OW!"

Zim's laugh cut off abruptly as Dib leapt on him, tackling him to the floor.

"Ha!"

"HISSSSSSSSS"

"What the FUCK-"

"UNHAND ME!"

"NOT UNTIL- OW!"

"SCREECH"

"SHIT-!"

"HAHA! FOOLISH - yipe!"

The two rolled around on the floor in a blur of claws, teeth, and glinting metal, barking curses and snarling at each other.

"Hey," said the Irken on the couch. "Not to be, like, a bother, or anything? But could you two maybe keep it down?"

Dib rolled on top of Zim and straddled his back, pulling sharply on his antennae. "Okay, seriously, who is that guy?"

Zim unfolded his PAK legs up to the first joint, effectively throwing Dib off of him. "Eh, he's no one." He left his PAK lasers out and began to fire at Dib, who ducked and covered appropriately. "He just lives in the basement. Like your human mice."

"You mean he's your roommate?" asked Dib, holding up a mirror as a shield. The laser Zim fired ricocheted back at him.

Zim sidestepped to avoid the blast. "Roommate is a stupid human term that implies far too much equality. Skoodge is a...squatter. Like a hobo."

"Ah." Dib grunted as he hoisted the mirror up in his hands. "So, what, is he something else I have to worry about?"

"You mean an Invader? HAHAHAHAHA! Foolish Dib!" Zim shouted, bringing up his PAK legs to deflect the hurled mirror. It shattered on the ground. "Invaders need no HELP in conquering their assigned planets! And even if we DID, no one would send a DESERTER like HIM."

"Wait, what?" Dib turned to Skoodge, who had moved to sit on the back of the couch in order to watch the TV over the fight. "You're a deserter?"

Skoodge shrugged. "Yeah, you could say that."

"I didn't know you guys were allowed to do that."

"We're kind of not," said Skoodge.

Dib looked as though his brain were making the all-to-familiar shift into curiosity mode. He opened his mouth to ask another question, but only managed to let out a yelp as Zim tackled him to the ground.

"YOU!" Zim snarled in Dib's face. "STOP ASKING QUESTIONS! This is between you and ME, remember? STOP PAYING ATTENTION TO HIM! And YOU!" Zim turned to Skoodge. "What are you THINKING, giving away the SECRETS of our RACE to this...this...MEAT-BRAIN? What would your TALLEST say?"

" _I don't really care, to be honest,_ " Skoodge mumbled in Irken.

Zim gave a full body shudder and climbed off of Dib. He pointed an condemning finger at Skoodge. " _WATCH YOUR STUPID UGLY MOUTH, DESERTER. You're lucky that Zim doesn't report you._ "

Dib leapt on Zim from behind and wrestled him to the floor again.

About an hour later, Dib left through the front door, holding pressure to a cut on his cheek. "Anyway, see you tomorrow," he said.

"Oh yes," said Zim, holding the door for him. "TOMORROW you will most certainly die."

"You kidding? I'll kick your ass."

"IT IS ZIM WHO WILL BE DOING THE KICKING OF ASS!"

Dib rolled his eyes. "Bye," he said, waving.

"Buh-bye," said Zim, and shut the door.

Skoodge emerged from the kitchen, munching on a bag of chips. "So is that, like, a daily thing?" he asked, gesturing to the door.

"SILENCE!" Zim shouted. "I must go prepare for TOMORROW!"

"Alright," said Skoodge. He ate another chip. "Um, Zim?"

"WHAT IS IT NOW?" asked Zim, already standing in the garbage can.

"Uh, I just wanted to say those waffles you made this morning were really good..."

"YES, of COURSE they were! Zim is an EXCELLENT cook!"

"Yeah, yeah, for sure. But it doesn't look like you have enough, uh, ingredients to..."

Zim arched an eyebrow.

"Maybe, uh...make more...tomorrow?"

Zim scrutinized him for a minute. Then he crossed his arms and squinted his eyes in thought. "FINE," he said after much deliberation. "If you pick up the necessary ingredients, I will MAKE MORE. TOMORROW."

"Yes," whispered Skoodge, pumping his fist.

"NOW DO NOT BOTHER ME FURTHER!" Zim shouted, beginning to descend. "I have WORLD DOMINATION to plan for!" He disappeared into the bowels of his base. The garbage can lid shut over him with a click.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay you guys but the Sonic Movie was actually really good


	2. Questions

One holographic human disguise later, Skoodge found himself in front of Dib in line for the checkout at Walmart. He must have stared at him for a little too long because the human looked at him and gave a little wave of acknowledgement. In one hand he held a little tube of antibiotic ointment. The other held a box of Band-Aids.

Skoodge blinked at him and quickly looked away. He looked like a normal human now. As far as the weird pink smeet knew, he was a stranger.

"That'll be eight dollars and fifty-three cents," said the cashier after scanning his milk and eggs.

Skoodge blinked. Money. How could he have forgotten? He began to fumble for some appropriate currency or weapons in his pockets when a gangly frame leaned over him.

"He's with me," said the human, bent over Skoodge with his arm thrust out towards the cashier. He was holding out a wad of crumpled-up bills. "Oh, and we're buying these, too," he added, putting down the antibiotics and the Band-Aids.

The Band-Aids, Skoodge noted, were printed with little green alien heads.

The lady snapped her gum. She kind of looked like she wanted them to die, but swept her scanner over the remaining two items. "Do you want a bag?" she asked.

They left the store with their respective wares. Skoodge made fleeting eye contact with the human. "Thanks," he said, then quickly began to walk away.

"No problem," said the human. "...Skoodge, was it?"

Skoodge stopped in his tracks, then turned around. "How did you recognize me?" he asked. His eyes were narrowed in suspicion.

The human boy shrugged. “Humans have four fingers. When you picked up the milk, two of them kind of...clipped.”

Skoodge had no idea what “clipped” meant, but when he held up the milk he did notice that two of his supposedly real fingers had passed through the handle of the milk jug. “Oh, look at that,” he said, then started to walk away again.

"Woah, woah, wait!" Dib exclaimed, running to catch up with him. "I'm not trying to blow your cover or anything. Um. Yet. I just wanted to ask you some, uh...questions..."

Skoodge paused to scrutinize him. "...Dib, right?" he said.

"Yup," said Dib.

"Right. Um. I really don't care either way, but don't these require refrigeration?" he asked, holding up his milk and eggs.

"Oh. Yeah," said Dib.

Skoodge nodded once and kept walking.

"Wait! Wait. I can come with you!" Dib exclaimed, jogging after him again.

"Okay," said Skoodge.

"No, I really - wait. Okay?" Dib repeated.

"Yeah. I don't care."

"But...refrigeration? Aren't you just trying to avoid me?"

"Eh, not really," said Skoodge. "I just really need these to stay good so that Zim can use them to make waffles tomorrow."

"W-waffles? Zim?"

Skoodge nodded.

"So you weren't...you really just wanted to...to keep your milk and eggs cold?"

"I like waffles," said Skoodge with a shrug.

"Oh. Wow. I mean, same," said Dib, "But still." He reached into his backpack and pulled out a tiny notebook and a pencil.

"So, um, questions."

"Okay," said Skoodge.

"You're a...deserter," said Dib.

"Yep," said Skoodge.

"A deserter from what?"

"...from what? What do you mean?"

"Like, what did you desert from? The military?"

"...You mean The Armada?"

"Armada?"

"The Irken Armada. It's...kind of a big deal?" said Skoodge, glancing up at Dib.

Dib shrugged.

"Huh," said Skoodge. He didn't look annoyed, though. Just...surprised.

"Big deal how?" asked Dib.

"It's intergalactically famous. Well. Infamous. It conquers planets and it only really needs ONE soldier to do it. So. You know. People hear about stuff like that."

Dib looked extremely excited about this information. "How many planets have you conquered?"

"Oh...a couple thousand? Couple hundred thousand?"

"A HUNDRED THOU-" Dib choked on his own spit, then tripped and almost fell over as he coughed. He managed to recover as they reached another crosswalk.

"You good?" asked Skoodge.

"Y-yeah, I'm fine," said Dib. He cleared his throat. "So this is eventually going to happen to Earth?"

Skoodge suddenly looked a little awkward. He remained silent.

"I mean, how long does it usually take for a planet to be conquered?"

Skoodge fidgeted a little. "Oh...it can take a while. It took me a couple of-"

"You've conquered planets?"

"Eh." Skoodge looked down. "Just the one."

"Why did you stop?"

"I dunno," mumbled Skoodge.

The light changed and he began to cross the street.

Dib frowned, then made double-time to catch up. "Okay,” he said reluctantly, “new set of questions. What are those things you all wear on your backs?"

"You mean our PAKs?" asked Skoodge. "You don't know what a PAK is?"

Dib shook his head.

"Wow. Okay. Um. Your PAK is kind of like your...everything. It holds the collective memories of all Irkens before us. Personality, powers, high score...but other stuff, too. Your skill set, your language processor, your central nervous system regulator."

"So it's like your...backup brain?"

"Oh, no," said Skoodge. He looked at Dib and tapped his forehead. "THIS is the backup brain."

Dib shuddered and paused to jot down a note. Skoodge just kept walking.

"Why are you telling me all this?" asked Dib after catching up again.

"I dunno."

"Aren't you worried I'm going to use it against the Armada when they come?"

"I don't care."

"Against Zim?"

"I don't care."

"Against YOU?"

"I don't care," said Skoodge. He sounded tired. He turned onto the walkway to Zim's house.

Dib paused by the bushes. "...Well you obviously cared about SOMETHING," he called.

Skoodge paused and looked back.

"I mean, you left," Dib continued. "Your skill set, your...programming. They all would have been, like, for a soldier, right?"

"...Yeah," said Skoodge, turning back around.

"So something pretty big must have happened to make you leave everything you'd been, like, built to do," said Dib, "right?"

Skoodge set the milk and eggs down on the front step.

"I mean," he said awkwardly, "do you really want to hear about it?" "

So they sent you on a mission thinking you would DIE," said Dib, staring down Skoodge across Zim's kitchen table.

"Yeah."

"And then when you SUCCEEDED, they tried to kill you ANYWAY and then gave someone ELSE all the credit?"

"Yeah."

"Because...you're short?"

"Yup."

"Dude," said Dib, "that SUCKS."

"Huh?"

"It does! It SUCKS! That sucks ASS," said Dib. "Wow! I'm sorry."

"You're...sorry?"

"Yeah!"

"But you didn't do any of that."

"Well, no! I'm just sorry that it happened to you. That's ROUGH, dude."

"...You know, you're right," said Skoodge. As he thought about it, he began to get more indignant. "You're right, it IS rough!"

"You're just now realizing this?"

"Well, I dunno," said Skoodge. "I left because I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't think it was because anything actually, like, BAD had happened to me."

"Oh," said Dib. "I get that."

"You do?"

"Well, we're not, like, a dystopian regime," said Dib, "but life on Earth isn't exactly a picnic either. Hey, that's the other thing. Why did you come to Earth, of all places?"

"Well, uh..." said Skoodge, twisting his claws together. "As, uh...planets to be conquered go, it might be...a LITTLE bit more out of the way than some others?"

"Oh," said Dib, making a note. "Interesting."

"But," said Skoodge hurriedly, "it's mostly because Zim is here."

"So...you came here looking for Zim?"

"Yep."

"Like, specifically."

"Yeah."

"...That doesn't seem like too great of a plan."

"Well, I dunno. Not a lot of options. Besides, Zim and I were together a lot when we were smeets."

"Smeets?" asked Dib, butchering the pronunciation.

"It didn't translate? Wait..." Skoodge squinted. "It's like a child...but more like a baby? Hold on...Worm-Baby? Is that correct? That's what it's giving me, but..."

"So a smeet is like a little kid?" asked Dib, already scrawling in his notebook.

"CADET," Skoodge exclaimed, snapping his fingers.

Dib almost dropped his pencil.

"Mostly," said Skoodge. "Like, cadet-worm-baby. Yeah. Smeet."

"Right," Dib choked, recovering. He put his pencil to the paper again. "So Zim is, like, your childhood friend."

Skoodge tilted his head. "Yeah," he said slowly. "Yeah, like that."

"Damn," said Dib, chuckling. "Baby Zim. What was THAT like?"

"I mean," said Skoodge, considering, "in a lot of ways it's not that different. I think the reprogramming chilled him out a little."

Dib's smile dropped immediately. "Wait, the WHAT?"

"Oh. Yeah. Zim is programmed for Food Service now. Waffles?"

"WHAT?"

"It would explain how mellow he is now."

"MELLOW?"

"I mean, it's not like he's killed any Tallests in the last few centuries."

"KILLED? CENTURIES?"

Skoodge shrugged. "I mean...yeah. That was kind of a weird week, though..."

"Oh my gosh," Dib exclaimed, his face buried in his hands.

"I mean, typically a reprogramming of that scale would make a bigger difference," said Skoodge. "Kind of hard to change a personality like THAT, though. Hoo, boy."

Dib lifted his head from his hands and took a deep breath. "You're telling me Zim's supposed to be a cook? Why is he here?"

"Well, he quit his banishment-"

"BANISHMENT?"

"Well, yeah...he kind of destroyed half the planet..."

"Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh." Dib got up and began to pace in a circle around the table.

"Are you alright?" asked Skoodge as he rounded behind him for the third time.

"Keep talking," said Dib, waving him on.

Skoodge told the story of Operation Impending Doom I, Zim's subsequent banishment, and his uninvited return. He faltered at that point, but Dib took over.

"So he's like a terrorist. An - an anarchical loose cannon."

"Well...yeah. Something like that."

"So, what, they decided to USE him? They sent him here because they didn't care what happened to this planet? Are we supposed to be, like, an example to the planets that get out of line?"

"...Sure," said Skoodge. "Yeah, that works."

Dib sat down slowly. "Oh my gosh..."

"I, uh, wouldn't worry about it though," said Skoodge. "I mean, I think they might have miscalculated the effect that his reprogramming would have on him? I mean, it's not like he's managed to do anything TOO bad, right?"

"Well...no," said Dib. "No, actually. His plans either fail or I stop them."

"See?" said Skoodge. "Nothing to worry about." He got out of his seat to get some food from the fridge. It looked kind of like pudding.

"Yeah," said Dib. "Yeah, I guess not. Hey, you're pretty chill."

"Chill?" asked Skoodge, shutting the fridge door with a hip check.

"Yeah," said Dib. "I mean, Zim is, y'know, Zim, and the only other Irken I've ever met was also pretty intense, so I guess I kind of assumed you were all like that."

"For the most part, yeah, actually," said Skoodge. He sat back down and opened his pudding. "But, wait, which other Irken did you meet? I didn't think anyone else really got out here."

"Oh. Some random girl? Her name was Tak."

"Tak..." Skoodge carefully licked the plastic seal from the pudding cup clean. "Never heard of a Tak."

"Ah, she was alright. Tried to drain Earth's core and fill it with snacks for your leaders. You know."

"That's a decent way to get a promotion, actually. How did you stop her?"

Dib sighed through puffed cheeks. "Wow. That was a while ago. I think Zim and I had to work together on that one, actually. He fought her in space while I took down the machine on the ground."

"Took DOWN the MACHINE?"

"It wasn't that impressive."

"No, no, tell me about it," said Skoodge. He looked pretty impressed.

Dib bit his lip. "Well...I found the giant 'off' button and-"

Skoodge gagged himself with his spoon on accident. He started to laugh. It was fairly quiet at first, but quickly escalated into an Invader's cackle. His laugh wasn't quite like Zim's laugh. it was more...bubbly, somehow. Less deliberate, less drawn out. It was erratic, delighted, out-of-control, and the slight mania that did come through only managed to sound ironic. It was ridiculous.

Dib started to laugh, too, just at the sound of it. They both sat there hunched over the table, laughing like it was the end of the world and someone had just uploaded a REALLY funny meme about it.

“It’s not that funny,” said Dib, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes.

“Off button,” Skoodge squeaked.

"SKOODGE, ARE YOU UP THERE?" called a voice from the garbage can.

Dib and Skoodge stopped laughing instantly and exchanged a look. Zim emerged from the garbage can and began to climb out, his back to the kitchen table. "I hope you brought milk because-" he turned around and saw Dib sitting in his chair.

"Hi," said Dib.

"YOU!" Zim shouted, pointing.

Dib got up and sprinted for the door.

"GET OUT OF MY BASE YOU INSOLENT LITTLE-" Zim screeched, running after him.

"Off button," said Skoodge quietly, then snickered and ate another spoonful of pudding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s funny because Irken aren’t modest about their achievements and embellish everything they do  
> Henceforth I will endeavor to update every Friday but as I am still in high school I will likely miss a few of these deadlines  
> Thanks for the hits  
> -Karkalcious


	3. Green

"OH yes!" Zim exclaimed, viewing his newest creation behind the safety of the glass. He removed his goggles and cackled. "YES, IT'S BRILLIANT! BRILLIANT!"

The ferret inside the giant jar uncurled and yawned. Lightning arced over its teeth.

"Yes," Zim giggled, tapping his fingertips together. He took the ferret out of the jar and put it into a small glass enclosure with a similarly sparking rodent. "Perfect," he said. "Now. COMPUTER! HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE FOR EARTH FERRETS TO BREED?"

"Oh, gosh. Um...probably like a month?" said the computer.

"A WHAT?"

"A month? Maybe a couple months? I don't know, I don't feel like googling it."

"THAT'S NOT QUICK ENOUGH!"

"Well, what do you want me to do about that?" asked the computer.

Zim growled at the ceiling. He turned to the ferret enclosure and growled at that, too. "COPULATE!" he snarled, banging on the glass.

The ferrets lifted their heads and hissed in tandem, electricity shooting off of the tips of their fur.

Zim hissed back, then turned away. "Whatever," he scoffed.

The doorbell rang. "It's-" the computer started.

"DIB!" Zim exclaimed. "UGH. Why doesn't he leave me alone?"

GIR was watching TV in the living room. He hadn't moved towards the door. Zim marched past him and wrenched it open.

"DIB!" he shouted.

"ZIM!" Dib shouted back.

"Yeah," said Zim. He abandoned his posture to lean against the doorway. "Okay, this is kind of awkward, but I don't actually have anything ready right now. Can you come back in, like, a month? Maybe a couple of months?"

"What?” asked Dib. “Oh! Yeah. Actually, this is also awkward, but I'm kind of...not here to fight you?"

"Oh? Have you come to beg the mighty ZIM for assistance? Have you cursed that hideous sister-beast of yours again?"

"That was ONE time," said Dib. "And no. I'm actually here for-"

"Oh, hey, Dib!" Skoodge exclaimed from the kitchen. He turned back to his plate and shoved a whole waffle into his mouth. "Give me a minute!" he called, his voice muffled.

Zim turned back to Dib, an expression of complete incredulity on his face. "You're here for SKOODGE?"

"Maybe," said Dib. "What's it to you, space scum?"

Zim looked completely and utterly baffled. "But - you - what - ?"

Skoodge made it to the door, pulling on his boots, and adjusted a knob on his wrist. With a small buzzing noise, a projection of a human being encompassed his body. "Alright, I'm good," he said. "Let's go."

"But the EARTH!" Zim finally shouted. "Do you not CARE about the DELICIOUS DEMISE that I have PLANNED for your ENTIRE, SMELLY RACE?"

Dib shrugged. "I mean, you said yourself you don't have anything planned right now. I can probably take a little time off. What's the big deal?"

Zim, quite possibly for the first time in his life, had no words.

"Bye, Zim!" said Skoodge, waving. "Thanks for the waffles!"

"Um, bye," said Zim. He watched the pair reach the end of his walk and turn the corner before he stepped back inside and shut the door.

Gir was looking at him. "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?" Zim shouted.

Gir shrugged.

"WELL, STOP IT!" Zim ordered.

"And-and when he shoved the smeet b-back into the pipe...he stopped up the chute," said Skoodge, struggling for breath, "And we had a blackout..." he paused for a moment, shoulders shaking, "for FIVE YEARS."

Dib leaned his head back and howled with laughter, clutching his abdomen.

"It, it wasn't that funny," said Skoodge, even as he laughed. "It was kind of-kind of awful actually."

"My stomach," said Dib.

"B-because I was IN the CHUTE-"

"NO!" Dib exclaimed, tears of mirth streaming down his face. "That's AWFUL!"

Skoodge nodded, but couldn't seem to stop laughing, either. "I was like...twenty smeets up..."

"TWENTY SMEETS!" Dib choked. "And-and we had NO clue what was going on-"

"Oh my gosh..."

Zim tapped the cage with the ferrets in it again. "COMPUTER!" he shouted. "WHY ARE THEY NOT PROCREATING?"

"Well," the computer said thoughtfully. "Maybe if you put a male ferret in there..."

"EH?" "Those are both female, Zim."

"WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?"

"You have to have a boy and a girl," said the computer.

"Really?"

"Yeah, pretty sure that's how it works. For...most species, anyway."

"UGH," Zim exclaimed.

Dimly from upstairs came sounds of laughter. Zim looked at the ceiling, growling through his teeth. His antennae flattened against his head. He turned back to his terminal and pulled up a projection of a double helix, beginning to make modifications.

"That's the third time he's been over in two weeks," the computer remarked.

"REALLY? I HADN'T REALIZED!" Zim shouted.

"So then I realize that Zim is crawling through the vents and STEALING people's ORGANS."

Skoodge almost spit out his ice cream, but managed to swallow before he doubled over laughing.

"RIGHT? So I'M like..."

Zim knelt by the window in his old man disguise, squinting through the dirty glass at his rival and his friend. "What are they talking about?" he muttered.

"MAMA," a little girl with pigtails shrieked, pointing at Zim. "IT'S A CRAZY HOBO!"

"WHERE?" roared the hulking creature behind her, reaching down to take off her shoe.

Zim whirled around. The shadow of the monstrosity fell upon his terrified face.

Inside the ice cream shop, the various patrons became very aware of the loud struggle outside.

"BACK, CRAZY HOBO! BACK!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHHH!"

"What's going on?" asked Dib, turning around.

"Probably nothing," said Skoodge, waving Dib on. "Keep going! Then what?"

Zim observed the three sleeping ferrets and nodded with satisfaction. "Now, be fruitful and multiply," he said.

"ARE THEY GONNA MAKE BABIES?" asked Gir, jabbing a finger at the dozing creatures.

"Yes, Gir," said Zim, turning away. He picked up a small tool and began to tinker with an invention on his table. "They will make a multitude of stinky little monstrosities. With any luck."

"CAN I HELP THEM?"

"Mm. Yes. Do that," said Zim distractedly.

Gir pulled a radio out of his head and hit play. Careless Whisper began to resonate through the lab. "MAKE SWEET, SWEET LOVE!" he screeched at the rodents.

"What are you building now?" asked the computer, ignoring the robot and the crooning saxophones.

"Long-distance listening device."

"...Are you serious?"

"YES, I'M SERIOUS!" Zim shouted. "I need to know what they are saying that could POSSIBLY be more important than the imminent threat that is ZIM! What if they are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME?"

"If you say so," said the computer. "It still sounds kind of needy to me."

Zim scoffed. "ZIM IS NOT NEEDY. ZIM NEEDS NO ONE."

"You know, I really needed this," said Dib.

"Needed what?" asked Skoodge, munching on his popcorn. "To marathon Ghostbusters in your human base?"

"No, no," said Dib. "Someone to talk to. Like...I've been working SO hard to stop Zim all these years and nobody ever noticed. Except my sister, and she's not exactly the...talking, sharing type. I thought if I could just capture Zim, and expose him to the world, then everyone would finally respect me. My dad and my sister would be...proud of me. You know? But maybe I never needed that stuff. Maybe I just needed...well..."

Skoodge munched on another handful of popcorn and gestured for Dib to go on.

"...Someone to marathon Ghostbusters with at two in the morning," said Dib. "I don't know. It sounds kind of stupid out loud. Just pretend I never said any of that."

"No, no," said Skoodge. "I think I get it."

"Yeah?"

"No one really talks about, um...feelings on Irk. We're not supposed to want, like, 'affection' or whatever. There are things sort of close to it, like admiration, worship, power, but...you're not really supposed to..."

"...to?"

"To get ice cream and watch terrible movies with each other. Or, you know...talk to each other. About times when you got hurt. Or felt bad. Or felt like, maybe...you weren't the best. Thoughts like that are just weakness in the empire..." Skoodge trailed off.

"So you came here," said Dib.

"Yeah. I couldn't...I was never as strong as everyone else."

"I don't think that's quite, like, accurate though," said Dib.

"Huh?"

"Like...I don't think that stomping around and being mean and yelling all the time makes you strong," said Dib. "I mean...admitting that you feel those things, that you're, like, vulnerable...it's hard to do, right?"

"Yeah..."

"So if it's HARDER than the alternative, then...doing it probably takes more strength. You gotta be really brave."

"Brave," whispered Skoodge.

"Or. You know," said Dib. "Whatever."

"No," said Skoodge. "No, thank you. I think...maybe I needed this, too."

They turned back to the screen and continued to watch the movie. After about thirty seconds, Dib turned back to Skoodge. "I'm sorry," he said. "Did you refer to Ghostbusters as a terrible movie?"

The ensuing argument failed to capture Zim's interest. He turned off his device and away from Dib's house. He went back to his base and shut the door behind him. He stood there in the entryway, clenching and unclenching his claws. "Brave," he whispered.

He crossed to the kitchen and climbed into the garbage can. He emerged from the elevator in his lab. "Strength," he whispered.

"What was that?" asked the computer.

"WHAT?" shouted Zim. "Zim said NOTHING!"

"Alright," said the computer. He sat down in front of his table and thought for a while. Then he picked up a pencil and began to work.

Dib woke up with a groan. Fluorescent lighting prodded at his eyelids. His limbs, when he tried to move them, were restrained at the wrists and ankles.

It was this happy little piece of knowledge that woke him up. He opened his eyes and found himself cuffed to a table in a very familiar-looking basement.

"Ugh," he muttered. "ZIM!"

His voice echoed through the lab. No one responded.

"ZIM, I KNOW IT'S YOU! WHO ELSE WOULD IT EVEN BE?" Dib struggled against the cuffs, but they were secure. "Aw, man," he muttered.

The elevator sounded next to him. Zim was cackling before he even reached the level Dib was on.

“DIB!” he shouted.

“ZIM!” shouted Dib.

"You've fallen RIGHT into my TRAP!" said Zim.

"WHAT trap? I don't even remember how I GOT here!" Dib realized he was wearing his pajama pants, though his shirt had been removed. "Did you KIDNAP me from my BEDROOM?"

"You should have known better than to SLEEP with the Mighty Zim striving to conquer your WORLD, Dib-smell!"

"I've been sleeping every night since you came here, Zim!" Dib thought about it for a second. "Sort of!"

"REGARDLESS OF YOUR CIRCADIAN RHYTHM, you will REGRET your many errors!" Zim shouted. "You've grown LAZY, Dib! The filthy human I knew would NEVER have taken time off on his mission! Not for ice cream, or movies, or ANYTHING!"

Dib laughed. "What's the matter, Zim? Are you jealous?"

"What? NO! Jealous of WHAT?"

"He's jeeeeeeaaaaaaaaalllouuuuussss," said Gir.

"SILENCE!" shouted Zim. "No one ASKED you, GIR!"

Dib suddenly noticed a rotund shape sitting in a chair in the corner, eating chips. "Skoodge!" he called.

Skoodge waved. "Hey, Dib!"

"What are you doing here?"

Skoodge shrugged.

"Zim told me to wait here. So. I've been waiting. You sure can sleep through a lot, you know that?"

"You watched Zim bring me in here?"

Skoodge nodded.

"Wait, then why didn't you let me out?"

Skoodge hesitated. "You didn't ask me to..."

Zim cackled. "YET ANOTHER ERROR YOU WILL SHORTLY COME TO REGRET, DIB-FILTH!"

"I was ASLEEP!" Dib protested. He turned back to Skoodge."Wait, can you let me out NOW?"

"Uh..." said Skoodge.

"What Skoodge MEANS to say is NO," said Zim. "He will NOT let you out. Do you know WHY? Because he's WEAK! He is WEAK and PATHETIC and SMALL. He does not DARE defy Zim!"

Zim punched a button. The table abruptly straightened up perpendicular to the floor. He pulled a lever, and a low hum burst through the table. Dib felt the effects of gravity leave him, with only his restraints holding him to anything.

"Do you know how WEAK and PATHETIC Skoodge is?" Zim demanded. "He is SO weak and pathetic that he will do nothing but WATCH as I perform this HIGHLY CATHARTIC VIVISECTION ON YOU!"

"You're WRONG!" Dib protested. "SKOODGE?"

Skoodge had his knees pulled to his chest. His antennae were flattened against his skull. He looked equal parts confused and horrified.

"SKOODGE!" Dib called again.

Skoodge shook his head and began to stammer, starting words in English, then in Irken, before cutting off.

"Well, Skoodge?" asked Zim, grinning.

"Y-you don't need to do this, Zim," said Skoodge.

"Oh, but I WANT to," said Zim. "I REALLY, REALLY want to. The QUESTION is, what are YOU going to do about it?"

"Skoodge, come on!" shouted Dib.

Skoodge looked from Zim to Dib and back again. He pulled his legs up onto his seat and wrapped his arms around his knees.

"SKOODGE!" Dib repeated, desperation in his voice.

"See? I TOLD you," said Zim. "Maybe THIS will teach you not to IGNORE the FEARSOME FORCE that is the MIGHTY ZIM!"

"Is THAT what this is about?" Dib demanded, turning back to Zim. "You're just upset that I haven't been paying enough...ATTENTION to you?"

"DO NOT PRESUME TO KNOW THE MIND OF ZIM. Now. This will hurt SLIGHTLY LESS if you DON'T MOVE."

"Stop it, Zim," said Skoodge weakly.

"You want me to STOP? MAKE ME STOP! Or perhaps YOU would like to make the first INCISION!" Zim shouted, extending the scalpel, handle out, to Skoodge.

"Uh, no? No, I really don't!" said Skoodge.

Zim laughed. "PATHETIC! NO Irken should show such WEAKNESS towards an INFERIOR life form! THIS is why the Tallest despise you so much."

Skoodge bit his lip and looked down.

"Now," said Zim, "Watch and learn from a TRUE Invader..."

Zim brought the scalpel closer and closer to Dib's solar plexus. Skoodge fidgeted in his chair, clutching his antennae. Dib strained away to avoid the blade.

Suddenly, there was a muffled explosion. A tremor shook the base.

"THE MAILMAN'S HERE!" shouted Gir.

"Eh?" Zim looked up. "What was that?"

"A small spacecraft appears to have crashed in the middle of the street," said the computer.

"Who's in it? Are they alive?"

"I don't know."

"UGH, I have to do EVERYTHING around here!" Zim exclaimed. He put down the scalpel. "GIR!"

Gir jumped up, eyes red.

"MAKE SURE THE DIB HUMAN DOES NOT ESCAPE."

Gir saluted. Zim climbed into the elevator.

The second he was out of sight, Dib and Skoodge looked over at Gir.

Gir stared back at them with red eyes for about one second before they faded back to blue. "DON'T ESCAPE," he shouted in a decidedly non-threatening voice, then sat down and tried to play patty-cake with Minimoose.

Skoodge jumped out of his seat and crossed to the table. He pulled the lever and punched the button, lowering Dib back to his prone position.

"Oh my gosh, are you okay?" he asked, undoing Dib's restraints.

"Uh, yeah," said Dib, sitting up and rubbing his wrists. "Thanks for ASKING."

"I'm so sorry, I just...I didn't..."

"You know what?" asked Dib, holding up a hand for him to stop. "It's fine. Really."

"Are you sure?" "Yeah. I'm not being sarcastic or anything."

"But..."

"Don't worry about it, I get it," said Dib. "Just...at LEAST wake me up next time! Jeez!"

"Y-yeah, I'll do that."

Dib found his pajama shirt a few feet away on the floor and pulled it on. "Come on. Let's see what's happening out there."

They emerged from the base to see Zim standing at the edge of the walkway, staring at a smoldering crater down the street.

Dib and Skoodge came up behind him. "What's going on?" asked the latter.

"SILENCE," said Zim.

As they watched, an arm shot up out of the crater and came down hard on the pavement above. Another shortly followed. Six claws dug into the crumbling asphalt. A head and shoulders came next, then a knee, pulling the rest of the body out of the hole.

The figure straightened up and leveled a pair of glinting purple eyes at Zim. Her mouth curled in a snarl.

"Tak," said Zim.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Zim: I saw you hanging out with CAITLYN yesterday?  
> Dib: R-Rebecca, it's NOT what you THINK!  
> Zim: I won't hesitate, BITCH.
> 
> Yeah, whatever. This was a fun chapter to write. Thanks for the hits.


	4. Tak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coronavirus be crazy y'all

"Tak," said Zim.

"Zim," said Tak.

"Dib?" said Skoodge.

"Oh, boy," said Dib.

"GIR!" Gir shouted.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" Zim demanded. "I defeated you YEARS ago!"

Tak laughed - a nasally, high-pitched noise that sounded like a witch's cackle. "YOU? Defeat ME? No. That pile of junk that follows you around defeated me."

Dib and Skoodge exchanged a look. Dib pointed at himself hesitantly, and Skoodge shrugged. Then they heard a high-pitched squeal and turned to see Gir running in circles around one of the garden gnomes. "Oh," they both said quietly.

"I don't know HOW IT HAPPENED, but SOMEHOW he took remote control of MY MIMI. It took me MONTHS to get her back to her normal self!"

The robot that had emerged from the crater behind Tak did look pretty pissed, but that could have just been her face.

"Okay, whatever," said Zim. "Robot discussion PENDING, none of this explains WHAT you're doing here on ZIM'S PLANET? HAVE YOU COME TO STEAL ZIM'S MISSION AGAIN? Because we ALL know how that turned out LAST time," he finished, crossing his arms with a smug smile.

"...No," said Tak. "You and this planet are too STUPID to waste any more time on. I'm here for my ship."

"Your what?" asked Zim and Dib at the same time.

"My SHIP," Tak growled. "I saw this planet's gravity pull it back towards the surface before I went hurtling off towards your solar system’s stupid...giant marble planet. My escape pod doesn't have hyperdrive. It took me THREE YEARS to make it back here. I could have made it from here to IRK in a QUARTER of that time." She folded her hands behind her back. "I'm not here to fight," she said, though the words seemed to pain her. "I'm only here to retrieve what is RIGHTFULLY MINE. Where is my ship?"

"HA!" said Zim. "Well, it SUCKS TO BE YOU, then! I haven't seen that piece of junk in FOREVER. You'll just have to find another way."

Tak's eye twitched. She seemed to swell up with rage. Then, suddenly, she seemed to relax. She let out a sigh. "Okay. Suit yourself.” She snapped her fingers.

Mimi's eyes narrowed. Her right arm shot out, attached by an extendable cable. She grabbed Gir by the neck and dragged him back to hold him in the air above her.

"Again! Again!" Gir shouted, laughing.

“Uh, WHAT do you think you’re doing?” demanded Zim.

"I WANT MY SHIP," Tak shouted. "GIVE IT TO ME OR I'LL TURN THIS DEFECTIVE LITTLE PARASITE BACK INTO THE PILE OF SCRAP METAL THAT HE IS."

Mimi lifted Gir ominously higher. "WHEE!" he squealed.

"Is that all you got?" asked Zim. "I don't care what you do with HIM."

“Oh YEAH?”

Mimi grabbed Gir's left arm and began to slowly pull. Gir began to laugh. The noise of his insane giggling and circuits shorting out built to a climax, until his laughter sounded more like shrieks of pain and the appendage was wrenched from its socket altogether. Mimi tossed it to the ground in front of Zim.

"...Big deal," said Zim.

"That wasn't what Mimi was ordered to do, actually," said Tak. "She's been waiting for this for a while. I told her she could have fun with it."

Mimi tore off Gir's other arm, then both of his legs. She slammed him down onto the pavement and held him there. He just kept laughing.

“She'll go for his wiring next," said Tak, "And I will take IMMENSE satisfaction in watching one more defective vanish from the universe. Not the same pleasure I'd get from YOUR demise, of course, but I'll still receive SOME enjoyment. Do you have any interest now in giving me my ship?"

Zim hesitated.

Gir's laughter finally, finally died away. He looked down at his body, up at Mimi, at Tak, at Zim. "Master?" he asked. "What's going on?"

"He's fine," said Zim finally, with a dismissive wave of his hand.

"Sure," said Tak.

Mimi ripped open Gir's head.

"WAIT! Don't go in there! WAIT! That's my PIGGIE! NO!"

Mimi kept pulling items out of Gir's head and tossing them aside. Gir continued to protest loudly, then started to cry. His little shoulder joints swivelled around, flailing limbs that were no longer there.

Zim's impassivity was growing more and more strained. His fists were clenched tight.

"She's being MEAN, master!" Gir wailed. "She's being real mean! Make her stop!"

Zim bit his lip. "Okay, look, not that I care or anything, but I don't actually know where it is. I lost track of it a while ago."

"That's unfortunate," said Tak.

Mimi put her hand on Gir's memory unit.

Gir stopped begging and started to scream - a long, continuous wail.

Zim finally seemed to snap. "WAIT!" he shouted.

"Hold," said Tak to Mimi.

The robot paused, but kept her hand buried in Gir's head.

"Remembered something, have we?" asked Tak.

Zim growled and whirled on his heel. "SKOODGE! GET THE-!" He found himself suddenly face-to-face with Dib.

"Uh, hi," said Dib.

"DIB-HUMAN! PERFECT!" Zim pulled out his PAK legs and aimed all the sharp points at Dib. "TELL ME WHERE TAK'S SHIP IS THIS INSTANT OR I WILL SKEWER YOU ALIVE."

Dib looked at Gir. He looked at Tak. He looked at Zim.

"No," he said.

Tak snapped her fingers. Mimi ripped out Gir's memory unit and tossed it onto the street. Gir started to scream again, only it sounded a little like laughter now, and a little like sobbing, and a lot like he was genuinely afraid for his life.

"NO!" Zim shouted. He scuttled around Dib and leapt onto his back, pinning him to the ground. He grabbed the scythe of his hair, wrenched his head up, and held a PAK leg to his throat. "TELL ME!"

"Or what?" asked Dib.

"OR I SPILL YOUR DISGUSTING PIG BLOOD ON THIS PAVEMENT."

"You were already going to do that, though. At least this way I can get sort of even."

Mimi wrenched the little blinking square that was Gir's brain out of his head, leaving it attached by a bunch of thin little wires. She started to squeeze it.

"No," Zim protested. "No. NO! TELL ME!"

Tak smirked.

Mimi squeezed.

Gir screamed.

"PLEASE!" Zim cried.

Dib hesitated for a moment longer. Then he opened his mouth.

"W-wait!" he called.

Tak arched an eyebrow and held up her hand. Mimi loosened her grip on the little square. Gir stopped screaming in lieu of continued hysterical sobs.

Zim tightened his hold on Dib's hair. "Yes?" he said frantically.

Dib swallowed and felt his Adam's apple press against Zim's PAK leg. "The ship is in my garage," he said. "But it's not in good shape. I crashed it into Earth a few years ago. I haven't been able to fix it."

Tak looked insufferably smug as she waved her hand. Mimi dropped the little chip onto the pavement and let Gir go, stepping away from him.

Zim all but collapsed onto Dib's back. He climbed off of him and ran to Gir's de-limbed torso.

Gir squinted at Zim. He looked shaken, but not in pain. "Master?"

"Yes, Gir?" asked Zim, bending carefully over him to examine the brain chip.

"Did I do somethin' bad?" asked Gir.

"No, Gir," said Zim. He carefully reached into Gir's head and reattached the brain chip, with the help of surgically precise tools at the ends of various PAK limbs.

"Are you sure?"

"Positive," said Zim. He picked up Gir's memory unit, carefully dusted it off, and inserted it back into its slot. "You did nothing wrong. This time, at least." He began to pick up various items from the street and put them back into Gir's head.

Dib watched from his position on the sidewalk, trying to make sense of what had just happened. He didn't get much time to do so before a boot prodded the side of his head.

"Come on, get up," said Tak. "Lead me to this...gar-aj of yours."

Dib nodded and got to his feet.

"Why did you change your mind?" asked Skoodge.

Dib shrugged. "He said 'please.'"

"That was all it took?"

"I don't know, okay? I've just...never heard him say that in my life."

Skoodge tilted his head. He didn't seem to understand any more than Dib himself, but he shrugged. "Well," he said, "I'm glad you did. I like Gir."

"Human Dib. Small Irken that I've never met. Stop talking," said Tak. She had a PAK laser aimed at Dib.

Dib looked over his shoulder. He glanced at the PAK leg, then at Tak. "I said I'd take you to the ship," he said. "You don't have to point that thing at me."

"I SAID STOP TALKING," said Tak.

Zim was following up the rear, grumbling to himself. Gir's limbless body was nestled in the crook of his elbow, singing idly.

"Doobee doobee doobee doooooo..." he warbled. He craned his head to keep visual contact with a fire hydrant. "MASTER CAN WE STOP AND SEE THE PEE SHRINE?"

"NO," Zim snapped. He made a point of not once looking at Gir, but at the same time it looked like he was paying enough attention for the robot to remain upright and secure in his arm.

They snuck around the back of the Membrane house to the garage door. Dib held a finger over his lips, then entered the code into the keypad. The door creaked open.

The garage looked like the place where experiments came to die. Dust particles swirled lazily in the air, settling in copious amounts over jars, scraps of metal, and ambiguous shapes beneath old tarps.

Dib pulled a chain, and an eco-friendly lightbulb hanging from the ceiling came to life. He crossed to the back of the garage and yanked one of the tarps off of its shrouded host, sending dust flying everywhere like some demented magician.

When the Irkens had finished coughing and blinking sufficiently, Tak gave an exclamation of horror. "MY SHIP!"

It did look pretty bad. It hardly resembled a ship anymore, to be honest. The least that could be said was that all of the crumpled bits of metal and snapped wiring were arranged fairly neatly.

"No!" she cried, running to it. She knelt beside it and began to examine the damage.

"Dib?" asked a voice behind them.

Everyone except Tak whirled around.

Gaz stood behind them at the entrance to the garage, clad in Vampire Piggie Hunter printed pajamas and holding a baseball bat.

"What's going on?" she growled. "It's five in the morning."

"Oh, sorry Gaz," said Dib. "Uh..."

She cast her eyes around the garage. "Why is every alien we've ever met here? Also, hi, Skoodge."

"Hey, Gaz," said Skoodge with a wave.

"Why are you holding a baseball bat?" asked Dib.

Gaz glanced at the bat in question. "I thought that murder hobos had broken into the garage," she said drily. "I was half right. Turns out my idiot brother helped them. You didn't answer my question."

Dib sighed. "Zim kidnapped me; Tak showed up out of nowhere; she wants her ship; I took her to it."

"Why would you do that?"

"I mean, it is her ship," said Dib. "Tak doesn't want to fight. She just wants to get off-world."

"Yeah, well, it looks like THAT'S not going to be possible," said Tak bitterly. "What did you do to it? All the details."

Dib took a deep breath and told her about the ship crashing into earth, his attempts to pilot and then reprogram it, its eventual repair with the help of Clembrane, a quick tangent to explain who Clembrane was and why they had needed the ship, a longer tangent to detail the quest they went on, and finally it's crashing into earth a second time. Zim interrupted several times with corrections, additional details, and various boasts.

"What happened THEN?" asked Skoodge, who had taken a seat and was listening with rapt attention.

"Well-" said Dib.

"I don't CARE!" exclaimed Tak. "Presumably the Earth was returned, as I was able to come here. Now tell me what you DID to my SHIP."

"Well, it was really banged up by that point. The wiring was all screwed up, including the sensors, so it couldn't really tell me what was wrong with it. We fought about it, for, like, days. Finally we came up with an idea, and it didn't really work, and then -"

"What was the idea?"

"Well, it obviously didn't work, so..."

"WHAT DID YOU DO?" asked Tak.

Dib took a deep breath. "I kind of...took apart the side that WASN'T damaged to try to figure out what was wrong with the side that WAS."

Tak cocked her head ever so slightly. She cast her gaze back to the disassembled ship pieces on the ground. She looked relatively calm, but her antennae were quivering. Then she stood up and turned around.

"WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?" she shrieked.

"I'm sorry!" Dib protested. "I didn't-"

"LOOK AT THIS!" Tak screeched. "LOOK! LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID!"

"I know, I just..."

"YOU DIDN'T DISASSEMBLE IT, YOU DESTROYED IT!"

"I didn't know what I was doing!"

"THEN WHY DID YOU TRY IN THE FIRST PLACE? AAAARRGGHH!"

Tak started to shriek in Irken, pacing around the garage and kicking things.

"What's she saying?" Dib asked quietly.

"Nothing good," said Skoodge.

"She's an ANGRY leprechaun," Gir remarked.

Zim was howling with laughter. Tak threw something vaguely in their direction and they all stepped out of the way. It bounced a few times on the grass outside.

Eventually all of the energy that Tak's anger gave her seemed to drain out, and she fell to her knees in front of the ship again. Her antennae drooped.

It was really kind of sad to look at. Nobody moved for a while, except for Gir, who kept craning his neck and saying something about bees.

After what felt like forever but was probably more like fifteen seconds, Dib slowly edged up to her. "Hey...um. For what it's worth, it...um, she?...DID give me permission."

One of Tak's antennae twitched a bit.

"We were both really desperate by that point. She was running out of power, but her...charging port, I guess? Was inaccessible. She knew the only way she would ever wake up again was if I managed to fix her. So she told me I could do whatever I needed."

Dib looked at the ceiling and laughed. "It was kind of traumatic, actually. She was really scared. I promised I would fix her. Then I couldn't. It was a bad few weeks. Anyway. I'm rambling. But since she's programmed with your personality...I don't know, I figured it might help a bit to know that...she told me I could. It wasn't like I took advantage of her or anything."

Tak stood up. She took a deep breath and sighed. "You're lying," she said.

"What?" Dib stammered. "Why would I lie?"

"There's no way any iteration of my personality would display such weakness under any circumstances. Still. Your squishy, useless concern for her is...somewhat comforting. Although it didn't seem to stop you from tearing her apart."

"Hey, I did my best," Dib protested.

"Well, your best obviously isn't that impressive," said Tak. "Regardless. While you were talking about your dumb human feelings, I took a closer look. I think I might actually be able to fix her, but I'll need a couple of weeks and access to Irken technology and tools."

Zim laughed again. "Good luck with THAT," he said. "Where are you going to find a place full of EXTREMELY DANGEROUS IRKEN TECHNOLOGY on a place like EARTH?"

Everyone looked at him for a second.

"Wait," said Zim. "NO. NO, NO, NO! Zim won't EVER, EVER open HIS BASE to this LYING, PATHETIC-"

"And the bathroom is upstairs and to the right, the garage with Zim's ship is all the way up in the attic, and the lab is the level right below this one," said Skoodge, showing Tak the hidey-hole in Zim's expansive basement that would henceforth be hers.

"TELL HER SHE'S NOT ALLOWED TO WORK ON HER SHIP UNTIL I FIX WHAT SHE DID TO GIR!" came an ornery voice from upstairs.

"But maybe don't go in the lab for a bit," added Skoodge. "Zim usually makes waffles for breakfast. They're really good."

"Right," said Tak.

"My name's Skoodge, by the way," said Skoodge.

"I don't care," said Tak.

"Alrighty," said Skoodge. "Goodbye."

Tak stood there for a moment after she left. When had her life gotten to this point?

She unpacked what she had been able to salvage from her escape pod and arranged it neatly around her. Then she sat down and stared at the tentacular cables that made up the walls and ceiling of her new living space.

"Well, Mimi," she said.

Mimi turned to her and tilted her head.

Tak nodded. "I agree. This blows."

Dib was at home, putting bacitracin and band-aids on various scrapes and cuts from the morning's ordeal, when there was a knock on the door.

"IT'S FOR YOU," Gaz called from downstairs.

Dib huffed and stood up, taking his band-aids with him. Gaz was just as likely to actually check as she was to remain seated and yell whatever she thought would get someone else to answer it for her.

When he opened the door, however, he was pleasantly surprised.

"Hey, Skoodge!"

Skoodge waved, but before Dib could continue and ask what he was doing there, he stepped to the side and out of sight. Moments later, he came back into view, pushing an unwilling third party in front of him.

It was Zim.

Despite the fact that the Invader's heels were digging resolutely into the pavement, Skoodge managed to get him in front of the door. He put a hand on Zim's back and smiled.

Dib arched an eyebrow.

Zim looked extremely uncomfortable. He was fidgeting with his claws and glaring at the ground.

After a few moments, Skoodge rolled his eyes and nudged Zim forward. "Go on," he said. "It's not that hard."

Zim heaved a massive sigh, then kicked the pavement and muttered a phrase in Irken - the same phrase Dib had heard him repeating earlier, if he wasn't mistaken.

"In ENGLISH, Zim."

Zim crossed his arms. He was refusing to look at Dib. "Gir," he said, finally, "Wanted to thank you for...earlier."

Dib looked at him for a second, incredulous. He glanced at Skoodge, whose face was in his hands.

"Okay," he said finally. "And?"

"AND NOTHING!" Zim shouted. "WHY WOULD YOUR FUTURE OVERLORD HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY TO YOU, YOU FILTHY EARTH-PIG!"

Dib closed his eyes for the duration of the screaming. "All right," he said when it was over. "Suit yourself."

He started to shut the door.

Skoodge made an exasperated noise in his throat and punched Zim on the arm.

"ANDZIMWANTEDTOTHANKYOUTOO!"

Dib paused. He opened the door again.

Zim had a hand over his face. Skoodge was grinning.

Dib glanced at the latter, then turned back to the former. "Sorry, what was that?" he asked.

"Zim said THANK YOU," Zim muttered, refusing to look at him.

"What?" asked Dib, the shadow of a smile on his lips. "I can't hear you when you mumble like that."

"THANK YOU!" Zim shouted.

"Sorry, what?" asked Dib, smiling.

Zim snarled and took a step forward. Dib laughed a little and stepped instinctively back. "Okay, okay, I heard you," he said. "Um. It was no problem, don't worry about it."

"Right," Zim hissed. "THERE, see? Zim told you he could do it. Zim can do ANYTHING."

Skoodge shrugged. "Never a doubt."

Zim started to turn away. Then on second thought, he turned back, sucker-punched Dib in the stomach, and sprinted off.

Dib doubled over. "Hey! What the FUCK!"

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THIS WAS MY PLAN ALL ALONG!"

Dib turned incredulously to Skoodge, who shrugged. "He's grateful," he said, then turned to jog off after Zim. "See you later!"

"Yeah, bye," said Dib, waving. Still clutching his stomach, he went back inside and shut the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve been sitting on this chapter for two weeks because I’m quite certain it’s the worst thing I’ve ever written and I didn’t want to look upon its hideous face. I thought I could improve it with enough editing but I was wrong so just take it. Take it. I don’t want to see this sequence of words ever again. Don’t look at me.


	5. Indulgence

Through hours of careful work and a few more removed pieces of metal plating, Tak managed to open up the ship's charging port. She picked up a cable and plugged it in.

A short note progression which sounded uncannily like the Windows 98 startup noise chimed within the bowels of the ship.

After a few more seconds, it began to emit little vibrations.

Bzzzzzzz...bzzzzzmmmmmm...mmmmmmm..."Mmmmm...ugh...D-dib? Dib, are you there? Did it work?"

"No," said Tak. "To both of those questions."

The ship was silent for a moment. "Tak?"

"Indeed."

The ship sighed, a strange noise coming from a structure without lungs. "Thank GOODNESS."

"It's good to see you too," said Tak. "This is the first INTELLIGENT conversation I've had in YEARS."

"TELL me about it. What's going on? What happened to me?"

"The human's brilliant plan was to destroy you further in order to figure out how to fix you."

"...That's stupid."

"I KNOW," said Tak.

"That's really, really...wait, what did he do to me? I can't see."

"Best that you can't," said Tak.

"You can fix me, right?"

Tak examined the damage again and remained silent.

"Tak? You can fix me, can't you? You can do anything. You built me."

"Yes," said Tak. "Of course I can fix you. It will be EASY."

"Easy," said Gaz smugly, steering Donkey Kong over the LSD-fueled nightmare that was Rainbow Road.

Dib was a lap behind her and getting a little too into it. "No...no-no-no...D'ARRGH!" he exclaimed as he careened over the side yet again.

"What purpose does this serve, again?" asked Skoodge, clutching a pillow to his chest.

"It's fun," said Gaz.

"Also, video games have been proven to heighten reflexes and improve hand-eye coordination," said Dib. "AARRGH FUCKING-"

"And it's fun," said Gaz. "Nerd."

Suddenly, Zim burst through the window. He landed on the floor, boots crunching the shattered glass. "DIB!" he shouted.

"ZIM!" Dib shouted, not looking away from the TV.

Zim burst into maniacal laughter. Completely unprompted. It was a standard in any conversation with him by this point.

"What are you doing here?" demanded Dib, leaning to the right as if that would somehow turn the car on the screen. "You said you weren't going to be ready for a few months!"

"YEAH WELL I GOT BORED! Now, witness the HORROR that is ZIM!"

He promptly stole Dib's phone from the table it was resting on and jumped back out the window.

"Was that my - WAIT!" Dib shouted, trying to watch Zim and the TV at the same time. He stood up and shoved his controller into Skoodge's hands.

"What-" Skoodge stammered.

"Speed up," said Dib, pointing at the various buttons, "drift, use item, turn."

"I'M GOING TO LOOK THROUGH YOUR INTERNET HISTORY!" Zim shouted from the street.

"YOU MONSTER!" Dib roared, pulling on his shoes. He jumped out the window after him.

"Tak?" asked her ship.

"Mm?" Tak grunted.

"Where are we going to go after you fix me? What are we going to do?"

Tak hesitated for the slightest moment before continuing to work.

"You don't know, do you?"

"HOW DARE YOU PRESUME THAT OF ME?"

"Because I AM you, bitch."

Tak sighed, her antennae drooping. She set down the tool she was using. "You're right. I don't know."

They sat there in the heavy silence for a moment.

"...That's what I thought," said the ship.

Tak sighed and resumed work. After a moment, she paused. "What's a bitch?"

"ZIM, YOU BITCH!" Dib shouted, chasing the alien down the street with a water gun.

Zim ran away from him, cackling, right past the window of the Membrane home. Inside, a different battle was waging.

"This isn't fair," said Gaz, button-mashing furiously. "How are you good at EVERY VIDEO GAME?"

"Military programming," said Skoodge, jabbing his thumb back at his PAK with a grin. "Ever operated Irken technology?"

"Eh, a couple of times," said Gaz, paying half attention.

"These games just happen to operate on the same principles," said Skoodge, then promptly killed her avatar on the screen. "Not to mention that we trained with VERY similar simulations for decades as smeets."

"Well, THAT'S not fair," muttered Gaz, tossing her controller aside and crossing her arms.

"What next?" asked Skoodge.

"Nothing."

"What?"

"Nothing," Gaz repeated, getting up. "It's been three days since you started playing Mario Kart. You’ve beaten me on every course and then again at literally every game I own. Even Animal Crossing, which shouldn't even make sense, but you somehow beat me anyway."

"Oh," said Skoodge.

Gaz started to climb the stairs.

"W-wait!" Skoodge called after her. "Are you sure there's nothing else?"

Gaz paused. "Well," she said, leaning on the banister.

Tak was leaning against a table in Zim's chemical distillery when he got home. He walked into the lab, glanced at her, and kept walking. Then he paused, her presence registering in his brain, and whirled dramatically on his heel. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?" he shouted, jabbing a finger at her.

Tak tilted her head back and groaned.

"YOUR SHIP IS NOT ON THIS LEVEL!"

"I'm AWARE of that fact." Tak took the cup of coffee from the output of the distillery and stepped into the elevator.

"YOU WILL WASH THAT MUG WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH IT!" Zim called after her.

Tak entered the room with her ship and took a small sip of her coffee.

"Um," said Tak's ship. "I'm pretty sure caffeine only works on humans."

"Don't worry, I've done the calculations," said Tak. "This will have the desired effect on my body."

"But for Irkens it's a central nervous system depressant."

"It will have," said Tak. "The desired effect. On my body." She took a swig.

"...Okay," said the ship. "Just drink it slowly."

"I'm not an idiot."

"DIB!"

"ZIM!"

"What are you doing here, you IDIOT? Skoodge left for YOUR house an HOUR ago!"

"I KNOW he's at my house, Zim! He's doing something with GAZ today!"

"Hey there, humans, who watch Gaz's…’livestreams.’ Did I say that right?" Skoodge whispered.

"Eh, close enough," said Gaz.

"Okay! Um, today we're playing a game called Dark Souls! I'm not sure what a, uh, "soul?" is, but let's just dive in!"

"Oh," said Zim.

"ANYWAY," said Dib. "I KNOW you're planning something, and I'M HERE TO STOP YOU!"

"And how do you KNOW I'm planning something? Maybe you're just CRAZY, Dib-filth!"

"HA! You can't trick ME, Zim! The POWER'S been on the fritz on this street for the past THREE DAYS, and I KNOW you're behind it!"

"And how do you know that the street didn't simply collectively fall behind on their POWER BILL PAYMENTS?"

"Even if they DID, which they DIDN'T, it would be because YOU DID SOMETHING!"

"I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S SOME SORT OF LOGICAL FALLACY, ACTUALLY!"

"OH YEAH?" Dib feinted left, then dove past Zim on the right and somersaulted into his house. "Nailed it!" he said under his breath, then sprinted for the nearest elevator to the basement.

"GET BACK HERE!" Zim shouted. He tackled him from behind.

The resulting wrestling match turned quickly into a sprawling slap-fight, which then devolved into Dib dragging himself towards the trash can as Zim pulled his hair and shouted insults at him. Whatever it was came to an abrupt halt when the elevator opened anyway and a pair of boot-clad feet stepped onto the floor in front of Dib's face.

He looked up, craning his neck until the figure's face finally came into view. "Tak?"

It was indeed Tak, but something seemed off about her. She was holding a mug and looked kind of out of it.

"Dib-hyoooooman," she said, then hiccupped. "Of cuorse YOUERE heere."

"...um, what?" said Dib.

Tak gave a needlessly loud groan of exasperation and stepped forward, stumbling a little.

"What's up with her?" asked Dib, turning his neck awkwardly to watch her shuffle to the couch.

Zim crawled off his back with an exasperated sigh. "She's just STUPID." He stood in front of Dib, fists on his hips, and glared at her. " _ I don't see how you expect to finish fixing your stupid, smelly ship in this condition, _ " he said in Irken

"Oh, yeh?" said Tak, glaring at Zim in a hazy, inhibited version of rage. " _ Well, Id on't...'spect to see how yeew don't sh-sthee thah....YOU'ER STEWPID. _ "

" _ THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE! And Zim is NOT stupid! _ "

"Am I...interrupting something here?" asked Dib, getting to his feet.

"NO!" Zim shouted. "It is SHE who is interrupting Zim's GLORIOUS PLANS for WORLD DOMINATION!"

Tak heaved a sigh and took another drink.

"Wait," said Dib. "Is she DRUNK?"

"NO!" said Zim. "Irkens do not get DRUNK! Our biology is FAR SUPERIOR to YOURS in EVERY CAPACITY!"

"She's DEFINITELY drunk," said Dib, stepping past Zim to examine Tak on the couch. He leaned in close and smelled her.

"UGH," said Tak, and swiped at him sluggishly with her claws. "GEH yuor HYOOMAN FASHE out of my...my...BIZZNISS. Yrou UGLEE an' yuo SMEL BAD."

"Hold on," said Dib, "is she drinking COFFEE? Are you drunk off of COFFEE?"

"Wahzit to YEW, meeet-brein?" she took another swig of coffee. "Also, Zim? Yuo're out tof mugs."

"WHAT?" Zim exclaimed. He marched into the kitchen to investigate.

"I SED youor're ouh of-"

"ZIM HEARD YOU!" There was a sound of a cabinet being thrown open, then a horrified shout.

"What's going on?" Dib called.

Zim stormed back into the room. "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH ZIM'S MUGS?" he demanded, holding a PAK leg on her.

"Ummmm..." Tak glared at him hazily. "Id RANK ou tof them? Obvobvosly?"

"MY PINK MUG. MY SANTA MUG. MY 'WORLD'S BEST GRANDPA' MUG FROM GIR. WHERE ARE THEY?"

"Pshhhhhhhhhhh," said Tak, waving her hand. Her breath reeked of coffee.

"YOU WILL ANSWER THE FUTURE RULER OF THIS PLANET OR YOU WILL SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES."

Tak hiccupped and leaned her head against the back of the couch.

"ARE THEY IN THE- I bet they're in the..." Zim muttered, crossing to the elevator. He jabbed a finger at Dib. "DON'T GO ANYWHERE," he said, then descended.

Dib watched the spot where he'd disappeared, his brain buffering a little.

"Y'know, hyuman," said Tak from the couch.

Dib turned to look at her.

"Yeour'e not so bad," said Tak, staring at the ceiling. "Te be ONNIST, i'fe alwas admarred yuo...a lidle bid. Id mus be DIFIFCULT...beeng de ONDLY ONE hoo...can SHEE de WORLT for wah did iss....an' neber been' admarrared for it. To..to REJEC the willfoll igornance of youer peepoll...widdout any respep-respepecct in eschangange forrit. To shewse DA TROOT...ober de companyonshep of odders...an' wundur...dos waht I DEW relly MADDER...deous the TRUT relaly matere...when erreyone else belebebs a LIE?"

"You are so fucking wasted," Dib whispered, more to himself than to her.

"Iz PRINCIPLEBD. Yu libb a PRINCIPLOPLED LIFE. We donn' reeley habe proncipleps in der Emparre. Juss...ambishin an', an' destronyen' things. COMFORMITY. Iz a PRIZIN, DEB." Tak's eyes were welling up with tears. "A PRIOSON."

Dib tilted his head at her, frowning. "...Do you need a drink of water or something?"

"UUUUUGHHHH."

"I'd suggest coffee, but..."

Zim came back into the room, clutching what must have been up to nine mugs with an expression of pure disgust on his face. "ZIM TOLD YOU TO WASH THESE!"

"Pft." said Tak, waving her hand dismissively.

"DISGUSTING." He managed to get them all into the kitchen without dropping any and dumped them on the counter next to the sink. He stared at them for a moment, then sighed in defeat. He turned on the water.

"Um...I'm going to foil your plans," said Dib, gesturing to the trash can.

"Nope. I'm not feeling it anymore."

"But-"

"It's all ruined now. Just get out of my base."

"But I-"

"GET OUT OF ZIM'S BASE!" Zim shouted, whirling to glare at Dib.

Dib frowned. The interaction felt uncomfortably close to actually stating the rules of the game that they played. Should he press on or do what he asked?

"...Alright," he said, and walked away

As he shut the door, he heard Zim scream something at Tak in Irken.

" _ And WHATEVER chemical state you're in, I'll thank you to keep that HIDEOUS robot of yours AWAY from GIR! _ "

We interrupt your regularly scheduled crack-ambiguous fanfiction to bring you some important information.

Wow, who's this douchebag? you're probably asking yourself. Doesn't OP know that breaking narrative to speak to the audience in first person is the kind of juvenile move some twelve-year-old on Wattpad would pull? Maybe about now you're googling how to un-Kudos a fanfic on Ao3, if that's even possible. Do it, bitch. I fucking dare you.

In any case, it might relieve you to know that I'm not the author. THAT cuck has got nothing worthwhile to say to you. Given that it’s past seven PM, he's currently battling the existential despair that coincides with her daily withdrawal from his latest ADD medication. Immediately after which she will binge-eat Thai takeout. What a fucking pussy.

Nah, I'm not him, and I thank the Good Lord every day for that. Shit, man, could you imagine? No, I'm the fucking narrator, hoes, and I've taken a break from my normal passivity to give you a brief lesson in scale.

Take a million pennies. That's right, bitch. A million pennies. Ten thousand dollars, but in fucking PENNIES. You could buy so much merch with all those pennies. I'd like to see someone try it, actually. But it'd be pretty rough getting all those pennies to Hot Topic or whatever because a million pennies weighs about three fucking tons. Stack all of them on top of each other and they'd be taller than three empire state buildings. You heard me, baby. Three empire state buildings, WITH the antenna.

So you've got a million pennies. Hold that image in your mind. Three tons and over three empire state buildings worth of tiny copper fucking Abe Lincoln discs.

Now make that equal something in your mind. Let's say an apple. You're holding an apple, and the apple represents those million pennies you have sitting in a room somewhere.

Now take a million apples. Yeah, that’s right. A million apples, each of which represent a million pennies.

A million apples weighs over TWENTY tons. If you were to line them up end to end, they'd stretch over fifty-seven football fields. You could bake over three hundred thousand apple pies out of all of those apples. Or make fifty eight thousand gallons of hard cider, presuming you have the proper permits and are of legal drinking age.

So now you have a line of apples about fifty-seven football fields long that together weigh twenty-two tons. Now make THAT equivalent to something in your brain again...let's say, a human child.

Take one million children who represent one million apples each (and each apple represents one million pennies.) One million kids is a lot of kids. If you made them all stand on each other's shoulders, the tower of children would go vastly higher than the height airplanes fly, shoot through the ozone layer, and pass the International Space Station before even reaching the halfway point in the line. It would go clean through the thermosphere and stop several hundred miles into the exosphere. Those kids are in space now, and probably fucking dead.

Now make those one million CHILDREN equal something in your mind. Say, a car.

Don't worry, We're not going to take a million cars. That's just TOO much. Let's take one thousand cars instead.

A thousand cars is still a lot of cars. They would weigh over two million pounds and cost even more money to buy. Line them up end to end and you'd stretch over thirty-eight football fields (less than you cover with one million apples, but still a lot of football fields.)

Now, break all those cars back down to pennies.

One thousand cars. Each car equals one million children. Each child equals one million apples. Each apple equals one million pennies.

That's a lot of pennies.

Now imagine that each penny you now have represents one mile.

Even if you were to channel this impressive bit of mileage in a straight shot directly from Zim's base into the vastness of the universe, you still wouldn't even be close to the small spacecraft idling in the void several galaxies away.

The figure in the spaceship had her feet on the dash, and was staring out of the window of her cruiser at the pinpricks of light in the distance. She sighed, drumming her fingers on her seat, and closed her eyes. The only noises were her own life systems and the faintest whirring of her ship's computer as it scanned the cosmos for a very specific signal.

And then it happened. The ship's dash made a sharp pinging noise, and her windshield lit up.

The figure's antennae twitched. She opened her eyes and whirled to face the screen, her posture straightening as she leaned anxiously towards the results.

Irken letters were emblazoned over the infinite void outside the windshield.

TRACKER LOCATED.

"View," said the invader, her tone almost frantic.

The computer complied, taking her to a tron-esque grid system. It started with her location, then began to zoom through space, zipping past virtual stars and nebulae and distant galaxies before finally closing in on a small planet in a distant solar system. A little blue marble, adorned with opaque continents, with a blinking red light somewhere in what its natives would recognize as North America.

The Irken female's anxious expression shifted slowly into a smirk. Her red eyes glinted with glee in the lights of the screen and of distant stars.

"Got you," she sang to herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH GOG THE PAD THAI'S HERE YES PLEASE TAKE ME INTO YOUR PEANUTY WARMTH


	6. Sup

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't handle the responsibility

I would say that I had to take a break for my mental health but I didn't. I took a break because I'm lazy and have no sense of commitment.  
Also I do write my own stuff, with original characters and settings. Good for the creativity but makes you a lousy fic-writer. Dib and Zim aren't MY kids, they're like the garbage children of a sibling who lives out of state, whom I periodically remember to send birthday presents to. I think it's fair that I'm a little more excited about my OWN damn kids.  
So yeah. I have nothing to say for myself, nor can you do anything about it. My sincere apologies to the three or four people who actually cared about what happened here. I did have a storyline planned but it was kind of shit anyway.

But in the wake of this tragedy I offer a glimmer of hope.

Part of the reason why I abandoned this is because I couldn't even tell what genre it was anymore. It was going to be crack but then it just got weird and unnecessarily complicated because my brain's a bitch.  
I'm currently trying again, this time a little to the left. Completely different concept and plot, same shitty characters we all love. Probably won't drop for a while though because I'm actually going to write the WHOLE THING FIRST this time so that all I have to do is drop a chapter periodically. Either that or it will never drop. I'm a fucking high school senior, I got a lot on my plate right now without trying to channel my already restrained spasmodic creative expenditure.

Anyway. Thank you for your support. The guilt of this unfinished thing has been hanging over my head for nigh on six months now, so I kind of had to word this as a "fuck you" so that I wouldn't feel overly ashamed for ditching. But all of your comments and kudos and kindness were truly a fucking delight. I just needed some goddamn closure. Thanks for reading my shitty pseudo-crack fic.

Given that you were deep enough down the Zimhole to actually FIND my fic, you already know about these ones. But just in case you don't, you should check out Parade of Indignities by RissyNicole, PAKet Dimension by CephalonGhost, and everything that Bamsara has done ever. There are probably more works out there deserving of attention, but those are the ones that I actively follow. I'm sure they will fill the void that I've left in your heart.

See ya

-Karkalicious


End file.
